PARENTS’ evenings are a unique opportunity for teachers to bluff and parents to pretend they’re listening. Here’s why all parties involved should stop bothering:
It’s in the middle of the bloody day
No longer in the evenings, teachers are now available to see you between 3pm and 3.10pm, the precise window of time that requires you to take the afternoon off work and wonder why you wasted the time.
They say the same shit about every child
Not realising that parents compare notes, it soon becomes clear that Miss Henderson tells every single parent that their child is ‘doing fine’ with ‘no obvious problems’ while she struggles to remember one thing about your kid.
Unless they don’t
Even worse is when you sit down and the teacher says ‘Ah. You must be Jayden’s parents.’ They’ve been waiting for you, and it’s not to tell you that Jayden’s an exceptionally gifted child and delight to all. It’s because he’s an arsehole.
They use euphemisms
Samuel is a ‘lively contributor’, is he? You nod politely as the realisation dawns that your offspring sets chairs on fire and races around the room during Quiet Time making ape noises.
It is not about the parents
You thought that Parents’ Evening might involve being congratulated on your excellent parenting skills, or at least being invited to ask questions? Your seven minute-slot is Miss Henderson speed-talking about phonics learning while you sit on a miniature plastic chair.
There’s always a curveball
Miss Henderson waits until you stand to leave to call you back with ‘just one small thing’. Then shares in concerned tones that Samuel has been telling stories about Mummy’s swearing and Daddy’s drinking habits. ‘Kids!’ you say while shaking your head light-heartedly and planning a bollocking.