I will be filling in for Santa this year. By Woke Santa

DEAR Him/Her/They. Santa is currently undergoing awareness training, so I will making some alterations to your Christmas. Here are my substitutions. 

Must-not-have toys (girls)

For girls, the Barbie Dreamhouse is unacceptable due to the non-biodegradable plastic used and the sad fact that Ken’s was the breakout hit of this year’s Barbie movie, reasserting the hegemony of the patriarchy.  They will instead receive a wooden Bolivian peasant and donkey for games of Global South subsistence farming.

Must-not-have toys (boys)

Christmas is all about smashing stereotypical gender roles, so male children will be getting a Tiny Tears doll and pushchair. This is replaces one potentially restrictive gender role with another, which is trans and therefore an unalloyed good.


Like cows, reindeer produce large amounts of harmful greenhouse gas methane. Container ships are far more energy-efficient, so I am outsourcing all present deliveries to Maersk. Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen and so forth are being rewilded. Manage expectaions for Christmas day because presents will arive in April. Rudolph has been killed by wolves.

‘Ho ho ho’ catchphrase retired

Being cheerful is discriminatory against the many people who are sad at Christmas or those who are differently-festive, such as Muslims and Ebenezer Scrooge. Instead I will say ‘Have appropriate feelings for your equally valid seasonal activities or lack thereof’.

Christmas films 

Frozen is so white it’s Nazi propaganda, and Die Hard unacceptably depicts white supremacist murderers – the police – as heroic. After talks with the BBC and ITV the big Christmas films will be Nil By Mouth and I, Daniel Blake, both of which raise important social issues. Learning resources for a structured discussion afterwards will be provided.

Elf diversity hiring

My elves are now employed on the basis of diversity and are encouraged to express their trauma through toymaking. The bears they’re making have empty eye sockets and their computer games are for the Atari Jaguar. They are on strike until I install a Tampon dispenser in the male-identifying bathroom.


Turkey lives matter, as do those of geese, chickens, guinea fowl, salmon or anything else with a face but extremely limited consciousness. Instead everyone will enjoy a nut roast. Before you complain you hate nut roasts bear this in mind: you’re not meant to enjoy them. It’s penance for hundreds of years of turkey genocide. Yes, I use terms like ‘turkey genocide’ without any sense of inappropriateness.

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Six twats from school you'd rather not see in the pub this Christmas

HOME for Christmas? So is this parade of pricks from the past, and they’ll all be down the pub ready to greet you in their Santa hats: 

Simon, former 12-year-old nerd

You could do without a reminder of your dysfunctional nerd friendship with Simon. In an American movie you’d have formed The Einstein Club and you’d all be tech billionaires. In reality you pretend you didn’t waste five years playing Populous and wanking over Judge Anderson, because you’re ashamed. But Simon isn’t. He’s here to remind you.

Davo, former hard kid

Davo once kicked your head in. Nothing personal, it was just his thing. As an adult he’s now a respected elder member of your local team’s casuals with a solid criminal record. You are relieved when he informs you that he is going on a pub with a better chance of a fight.

Sally-Anne, who was fit

Sally-Ann taught you a valuable lesson about attractiveness and self-worth by laughing in your face when you asked her out, then telling her friend Caz who also found it hilarious, as did the 30 classmates Caz she told. Thanks Sal, you cow. You just missed out on a free glass of mulled wine and a small tub of hot chestnuts. Revenge is sweet.

Mr Hughes, former hero

Is that… Mr Hughes? Your ‘cool’ English teacher from sixth-form? Then around 30, he swore, told you that Shakespeare was bollocks and did literary analysis of Stone Roses songs. Now he’s old. You’d buy him a drink but looking back he’s the reason you f**ked up English A-level and had to go to Sheffield University.

Greg, who wanted to be a club promoter

Without musical talent but enthralled by it, Greg organised gigs and club nights when everyone was 17. He hasn’t become Tony Wilson. He’s still doing it, aged 48, still without a proper job. You’re glad you live 160 miles away so you can’t attend his latest no-hopers A&R showcase next week, Candyfloss Genocide with their alleged ‘Trent Reznor vibe’.

Rachel, your former girlfriend

Why did she just have to walk in? Your teenage relationship didn’t consist of much more than a few snogs by the swings, but it’s still weirdly uncomfortable talking to her. She’s probably forgotten she went out with you at all, which would be a humiliating blow to most people, but you’re not most people. You’re a massive coward.