DEAR Him/Her/They. Santa is currently undergoing awareness training, so I will making some alterations to your Christmas. Here are my substitutions.
Must-not-have toys (girls)
For girls, the Barbie Dreamhouse is unacceptable due to the non-biodegradable plastic used and the sad fact that Ken’s was the breakout hit of this year’s Barbie movie, reasserting the hegemony of the patriarchy. They will instead receive a wooden Bolivian peasant and donkey for games of Global South subsistence farming.
Must-not-have toys (boys)
Christmas is all about smashing stereotypical gender roles, so male children will be getting a Tiny Tears doll and pushchair. This is replaces one potentially restrictive gender role with another, which is trans and therefore an unalloyed good.
Like cows, reindeer produce large amounts of harmful greenhouse gas methane. Container ships are far more energy-efficient, so I am outsourcing all present deliveries to Maersk. Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen and so forth are being rewilded. Manage expectaions for Christmas day because presents will arive in April. Rudolph has been killed by wolves.
‘Ho ho ho’ catchphrase retired
Being cheerful is discriminatory against the many people who are sad at Christmas or those who are differently-festive, such as Muslims and Ebenezer Scrooge. Instead I will say ‘Have appropriate feelings for your equally valid seasonal activities or lack thereof’.
Frozen is so white it’s Nazi propaganda, and Die Hard unacceptably depicts white supremacist murderers – the police – as heroic. After talks with the BBC and ITV the big Christmas films will be Nil By Mouth and I, Daniel Blake, both of which raise important social issues. Learning resources for a structured discussion afterwards will be provided.
Elf diversity hiring
My elves are now employed on the basis of diversity and are encouraged to express their trauma through toymaking. The bears they’re making have empty eye sockets and their computer games are for the Atari Jaguar. They are on strike until I install a Tampon dispenser in the male-identifying bathroom.
Turkey lives matter, as do those of geese, chickens, guinea fowl, salmon or anything else with a face but extremely limited consciousness. Instead everyone will enjoy a nut roast. Before you complain you hate nut roasts bear this in mind: you’re not meant to enjoy them. It’s penance for hundreds of years of turkey genocide. Yes, I use terms like ‘turkey genocide’ without any sense of inappropriateness.