'I wouldn't normally do this,' claims woman who always does this

A WOMAN who claims she rarely imposes on others in fact always does, friends and colleagues have confirmed. 

Nikki Hollis, who used the phrase this morning to ask a stranger to swap train seats because she ‘needs a window’, is thought to profess that she does not normally do this at least once a day.

Friend Mary Fisher said: “In the past month alone, Nikki’s claimed that she wouldn’t normally ask me to mind her dog, pay for her coffee, borrow my car, cover her shift and lie to her boyfriend, all of which she’s asked me to do before.

“And the last time we met, she said ‘I wouldn’t normally do this but,’ when sending back a drink because it had cloudy ice, asking for a discount on shoes and requesting the use of a stranger’s phone to check her email.

“She seems to believe that claiming she rarely makes these kind of demands lessens how annoying they are. It doesn’t.”

Hollis said: “I hate making a nuisance of myself and putting other people out. That’s why I always feel so bad for asking.

“In fact, I wouldn’t normally do this, but could you please make it sound like I never do it?”

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The barber's guide to being a pain in the a*se

ARE you a barber? Do you make haircuts as awkward as possible? Here’s a few things to try: 

Eschew any kind of appointment system as unmanly

Appointments? Where people call and book a time? Rather than sitting waiting for up to an hour, looking through carp magazines and old copies of the Daily Star? F*ck off.

Openly despise ‘long’ hair  

Barber? Don’t conceal your contempt for any customer asking for anything fancier than the shaved crop of Ross Kemp. They will thoroughly enjoy being made to feel like a dangerous hippy anarchist when coming in for a quick trim.

Talk extensively about obscure family issues 

Has your brother-in-law fallen out with the other weirdos at his spiritualist church? Or perhaps your niece sold some gerbils to her neighbour for £1 and hasn’t been paid? These burning issues will be of great interest to your captive clients.

Hassle customers about when they last had their hair cut

If someone says they had their hair cut about a month ago and you, thanks to your specialist hairdressing knowledge, know it was more like six weeks, pounce on this blatant lie like an SS officer interrogating a suspected member of the French Resistance.

Sulk because the customer doesn’t like football

You’re a man. A fully grown adult male who happens to cut hair. So when a customer admits he is not that interested in the footie go completely silent and have a massive sulk like a five-year-old girl.