Controversial houseshare advert specifies 'no d*ckheads'

AN advertisement for a fourth person to share a London flat has sparked controversy by asking d*ckheads not to apply. 

The advert, for ‘large room, Acton semi-detached, close to tube, friendly housemates’, has angered the capital’s large and vocal d*ckhead community by excluding them from consideration.

D*ckhead Tom Booker said: “What the hell? What, just because I’m a massive d*ckhead doesn’t mean I’m a person too?

“Do I steal my housemates’ food? Absolutely. Will I have coked-up parties with my mates on a Tuesday night? Certainly. Will I leave my bike locked to the hall radiator, making it impossible to pass? It’s my trademark.

“But to bar me, along with so many of my d*ckhead friends, from decent accommodation is discrimination pure and simple. And we can’t live together because they’re such d*ckheads.

“An advert like this anywhere would be bad enough. But in London, where so many of us moved to be the d*ckheads we couldn’t be at home? It’s heartbreaking.”

Carolyn Ryan, who placed the original advert, said: “I’m sorry. But the guy who moved in turned out to be an absolutely definitive d*ckhead anyway, so it’s fine.”

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You'll never know how much we hate whales, says Japan

JAPAN has told the world that it will never understand how fiercely it detests whales or how joyous it feels to be slaughtering them again. 

The country resumed commercial whaling yesterday, with thousands dancing on docksides in sheer delight at the sight of their hated enemies being brought home dead.

Prime minister Shinzō Abe said: “Take that, you blubbery b*stards. And we won’t rest until we’ve killed every last one of you.

“It’s difficult to explain to you Western whale-hugging weirdos, but you know your book Moby Dick, about a man obsessively hunting one particular white whale? That’s us but with every single whale in the entire world.

“They’re fat, they sing those bloody awful mournful songs, they’re always eating lovely, friendly krill, and they keep coming to the surface blowing out water to taunt us.

“You’ve no idea how hard it’s been these last 30 years, letting them live. We’ve hardly slept at night. We’ve had to become a technological powerhouse just to distract ourselves.”

Abe added: “They’re actually as intelligent as humans. So they know full well what they did and why they have to pay.”