Idiot pays five grand for a f**king number plate

A MAN has bought a personalised number plate to let everyone know how amazing he is.

Sean Hicks purchased the registration S3AN 1 for his Audi TT to highlight the fact he has been more successful than you and will continue to be so.

He said: “Now I have a number plate that vaguely resembles my name people will know that I am an outstanding human being.

“Actually my name is Dave but all the Dave plates had been taken. My wife suggested I buy ‘P3N 1S’ but I don’t see how that works.

“The most important thing is, other people will know that I am one of life’s winners and that makes it worth five, no, 50 grand.”

Driver Kelly Barnes, said: “I cannot believe people are stupid enough to spend thousands of pounds on a number plate. It’s insane.

“I’m in the process of changing my name by deed poll to RM15 WXP and it only costs £30.”

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Carillion collapse means we'll be cranking up the old austerity again, says May

THE prime minister has confirmed that the Carillion collapse means she will have to give the austerity lever a few more good hard pulls. 

May has told Britain that the billions in liabilities can only be covered by cranking the iron wheel of austerity, housed in the tunnels below Downing Street, higher than it has ever been cranked before. 

She added: “Sorry, everyone. It’s not up to me. 

“I’m afraid when you elect a government as committed to its principles as this one, there are very few solutions available when something goes wrong. Only one in fact. 

“The chains are getting tight, but I’m pretty confident they’re not near breaking point yet. They took more pressure than this in the Victorian era and nobody got hurt. 

“Don’t forget, it’s all for your own good. Once we’ve cleared the deficit and negotiated a red, white and blue Brexit we’ll all be on easy street. 

“It’s all just around the corner. There’s just that little bit more austerity to get through first.”