Government powerless to intervene in non-banking industries

THE government has confirmed there is absolutely nothing it can do to save non-London-based industries.

Amid the prospect of thousands of redundancies, prime minister Theresa May said he wishes there was something she could do.

She added: “Tragically, these industries have been hit by a perfect storm of operating largely in the provinces and not being financial services.

“If only these workers produced something useful, like insurance derivatives supported by credit default swaps, then we’d gladly go billions into debt for them.

“But building hospitals? What are they even for?”

Construction worker Roy Hobbs said: “People are over mass-produced hospitals anyway. I’m moving into artisanal hand-made herbal remedies for the hipster market.”

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Man unsure how to talk to women after being told not to be so patronising

A MAN has been forced to completely rethink how he talks to women after being told he should not be so patronising.

Wayne Hayes, 28, thought a female co-worker would be grateful for his impromptu lecture on what he perceived as the weaknesses that prevented her from climbing the corporate ladder.

However, Hayes was stunned when Emma Bradford responded with, ‘Christ Wayne, stop being such a patronising dickbag’.

Hayes said: “She was right, not least because she’s my line manager and I’ve only been in the job a week.

“But when I went to say something else to her, nothing came out because I had started screening my words for anything patronising. It’s left me utterly unable to communicate with anyone I perceive as female.”

Hayes also desperately wanted to correct a female friend as she talked about her chosen route for driving from London back to her home town.

One eye-witness said: “He looked like he was burning to interrupt her, but instead he just sort of twitched, made a little growling noise like an animal in pain and then went quiet.”

However, Hayes has insisted his new approach ‘will reap benefits’, adding: “At first I thought, ‘how will women know how to do anything without my help?’.

“But then I realised it’s better if I allow them make their own mistakes.”