If you loved your children you would found a free school, says government

THE government has told parents that if they really cared about their children’s education they would found their own free school. 

Education secretary Justine Greening said state school funding cuts are not an issue because parents with children at those schools clearly do not care about them or they would have done something about it. 

She continued: “How hard can it be to start a school? 

“The money’s on the table, we couldn’t care less about the national curriculum or your unorthodox religious beliefs or previous convictions or whatever. 

“If you really want your children to succeed, surely it’s not too much trouble to apply for funding, find a location, set up a governance structure, and get a few teachers on the payroll.

“It baffles me how many supposedly loving mums and dads can look into their little ones’ eyes and say ‘Sorry Timmy, we’re sending you to a shitheap compo because we’re too lazy to take advantage of opportunities in the educational marketplace.’

“It’s basically abuse. If I had my way they’d be in prison.” 

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Man in cafe desperate to be friends with people who work there

A MAN who spends a lot of time in a cool cafe is desperate to become friends with its staff, it has emerged.

Nathan Muir goes to the One 60 cafe in Stevenage most weekdays for a cup of coffee. But despite knowing about the bands that the barista plays and even making impressively obscure playlist recommendations, Booker doesn’t feel like they are quite friends yet.

Booker said: “I heard them planning a staff night out recently and they said what bar they would be going to and when.”

I don’t think it would be weird if I just happened to be there when they all arrived. I’d tell them my name and the conversation would just flow from there.

Though I do then run the risk that they will change their plans and I’ll be left by myself in a bar that I hate waiting for people I don’t know. I’m not sure how cool that is.”