Immigration poll reveals Daily Mail working like a charm

THE Daily Mail has welcomed a poll which shows just how incredibly wrong British people are about levels of immigration.

The survey showed that most Britons believe immigration is much higher than it actually is, prompting the Mail to declare total victory.

Editor Paul Dacre said: “I really can bend reality to my will. It doesn’t matter how wrong it is, if I say it is so, in the minds of my readers it becomes so.

“I was actually thinking about retiring quite soon, but this changes everything.

“I must be some sort of god.”


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Middle class people wishing they could spend holidays in a hotel

BRITAIN’S middle class people are sick of having to stay in cold, draughty old cottages whenever they go on holiday.

Architect Roy Hobbs said: “We’ve rented a charming period cottage in Cornwall for a week and it’s going to be fucking freezing.

“There won’t be any heating except for the log fire that will take ages to make and even then only radiates warmth over a distance of about two feet.

“I’m sure we’ll see a rat in the larder, and because it’s really remote someone will probably murder us.”

He added: “Working class people get to holiday in large modern hotels which are lovely and warm, with a massive telly in every room and you can have nine sausages for breakfast.

“We could easily afford that stuff and yet we’re in a glorified shed because it’s ‘what you do’. It’s perverse.”