Inflation ‘stable’ if you don’t include stuff that actually matters

INFLATION remains stable as long as you ignore all the things that have gone up enormously, experts have confirmed.

The cost of staplers, baking powder, hinges, wallpaper paste, boiled sweets and trouser presses has barely risen in the last year, leading economists to believe that you are now incredibly prosperous.

Meanwhile, rail fares going up by the amount you were hoping to spend on a holiday has been dismissed by the experts as a ‘one-off’.

Norman Steele, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “Every time I buy a new stapler I notice the price has remained remarkably constant.

“Granted, in a few years time a lot of people will be living in upturned, burnt out railway carriages commandeered by proletarian collectives driven to desperate, violent measures.

“However, I shouldn’t imagine this will affect the price of stapling at all.”

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Facebook ‘Friends Day’ breeds nothing but renewed contempt

FACEBOOK’S celebration of friendship has led to a surge in bitter hatred.

‘Friends Day’ placed a video on your wall designed to make you appreciate your ‘connections’, but instead reminded millions of people how few of their so called ‘friends’ even bother to wish them a happy birthday.

Martin Bishop, from Stevenage, said: “I counted three out of 357. Thank you, Zuckerberg, for that crushing reminder of my perceived self-worth, which is apparently less than one percent.

“So now I’m going to become a Scientologist.”

Eleanor Shaw, from Hatfield, added: “I was forced to look at a photo of me and my ‘friends’ yachting last year. I hated that trip and I’ve barely spoken to any of them since. Facebook needs to mind its own frigging business.”

Facebook has acknowledged the mistake of encouraging the people of the internet to appreciate each other.

A spokesman said: “Next year we’ll do ‘Look at My Fancy Holiday’. That should make you pricks happy.”