Open mic night ruined by every single performer

AN open mic night in a pub has been ruined by every single person who performed at it.

The new night at The Ram in Trowbridge began badly with student poet Tom Logan reading a political rant about how the Tories should ‘legalise the weed’.

He was followed by 41-year-old Julian Cook who attempted to cover three Jeff Buckley songs to widespread confusion and fear from the audience.

Compere Stephen Malley lied: “Great stuff there from Julian.”

Following Cook were rapper/office worker Tom Booker and singer/songwriter Mary Fisher who ended her rendition of Imagine by saying “I can’t do this” and running off-stage in tears.

After Fisher was estate agent poet Norman Steele, who talked about the downsides of political correctness, before the compere ended the evening by playing for five times as long as anyone else was allowed to with songs that he had written for “a girl I hoped would show up tonight”.

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Ask Holly: Everyone thinks X Factor is shit

Dear Holly,

I’m really depressed. Everything is shit and no-one likes The X Factor anymore and I haven’t got any more ideas, except something sketchy with a referendum theme called Brexit Factor. My people are talking to Angela Merkel but she’s still unconvinced that she would make an excellent Elton John. Shall I just do everyone a favour and bugger off?



Dear Simon,

A long time ago, before the internet was invented, people were ruled over by an evil dictator called Noel Edmonds who, along with his psychotic pink henchman, Mr Blobby, dominated the airwaves and ruthlessly forced everyone in the whole world to watch the same rubbish programme every Saturday night whether they wanted to or not. He was so powerful that he could even see into people’s living rooms through the telly, and if he caught anyone trying to watch something else he would put them in a booth and gunge them to death. A truly terrifying piece of televisual history.

Hope that helps,