Internet addicts could be weaned onto drugs

BRITAIN’S millions of internet addicts could be weaned onto less damaging drugs like LSD and ecstasy.

Parents’ groups have hailed the emergence of ‘drugs Ebay’ website Silk Road as a beacon of hope for a lost generation of computer-dependent teenagers.

Father-of-two Tom Logan said: “Our internet junkie son is a wanked-out husk with zero empathy and skin the colour of LCD monitor glow.

“We’re urging him to use Silk Road because we believe having a drug habit is more worthwhile than simultaneously staring at 12 browser windows full of drivel.

“Ideally he wouldn’t be addicted to anything but at least drugs inspire a certain amount of creativity. I mean, there are loads of records about smack but no-one’s ever done a good album about TalkTalk wireless broadband.”

The Silk Road website caters to a select group of people who are both into drugs and able to do quite complicated things on computers.

Logan’s 17-year-old son Stephen said: “When I heard about Silk Road I immediately googled it. Not because I wanted any drugs, but because it was an excuse to use the internet.

“I would love to have the willpower to stay off the internet and get into drugs, like my parents did back when people went outside and weren’t bored all the time.”

Addiction counsellor Nikki Hollis said: “The internet is such a difficult habit to kick because it’s literally in the air.

“I’ve seen users go cold turkey and they just start clutching at the sky, trying to grab pictures of cats and tits.”

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Parents threaten children with Eddie Mair

PARENTS have told children who misbehave that they will have to answer to Eddie Mair.

Mothers and fathers across the UK have backed up their threat by showing their children a video of the BBC interviewer grabbing a big blond clown and kicking the shit out of it.

Tom Logan, a father of two from Peterborough, said: “Finally I have the weapon I need.”

Logan’s seven year-old son Peter said: “I dreamt that Eddie Mair was looming over me, his big face filling my entire field of vision.

“He stared coldly into my eyes and just said ‘you, Peter Logan, are a fucking liar’.

“He then listed 14 lies I had told in the last week. I asked him how he could possibly know and he smirked and said ‘we’ve made a little documentary about you Peter’.

“At that point I woke up because I had pissed myself.”

Logan’s five year-old daughter Maisie added: “Did you know that broccoli can significantly reduce the risk of cancer and does not taste like big green turds?

“It is absolutely not in my interest to lock horns with Eddie Mair.”