Internet hard man imagining unlikely scenarios to be hard in

A MAN spends a lot of time on the internet describing improbable situations he could resolve aggressively, it has emerged.

Sales manager Roy Hobbs spends up to three hours a day devising disturbing fantasies about threats to his family and then explaining how he would react to them on internet comment threads.

Father-of-three Hobbs said: “If I was at a Danish water park with my wife and kids and yobs started threatening them I’d break their legs.

“I don’t have a teenage daughter but if I did and a man had been following her, I’d grab a golf club and go out looking for him. It scares me to think what I’d do to him if he and she existed.

“It’s important people are aware of these potential threats and my admirably hard response. Just last night BobtheMonkey72 upvoted my decision to beat up my wife’s boss who’s hypothetically been stalking her.

“I didn’t mention that my wife’s boss is a 72-year-old woman who goes to Quaker meetings.”

Other fictitious situations Hobbs has hypothetically dealt with include his son being hospitalised by 80s-style punk drug pushers and a bear attack during a family holiday to Normandy.

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‘Hey, remember that pig?’ asks Cameron

DAVID Cameron would prefer if Britain went back to talking about his romantic liaison with a dead pig.

After it was revealed that most of the people he knows are directors of an investment consultancy in Guam, the prime minister has been trying to change the subject as effectively as possible.

Cameron refused to confirm whether he has any money still invested in offshore tax havens, but said he did some ‘silly things at university’ which he would now be happy to discuss to the exclusion of all other subjects.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “The fact his father was a tax-dodger, his whole upbringing was paid for by tax-dodging, his sense of right and wrong was taught to him by a tax dodger and his refusal to confirm his current tax dodging status has no bearing on his ability to deal with tax dodging.

“Anyway, what about that pig, eh?”