Internet providers to block images of expensive shit that kids want

PARENTS have welcomed a move by broadband providers to shield children from images of desirable toys.

A new toy filter automatically blocks anything colourful, plastic and expensive while allowing access to items that no child has ever owned by choice, such as geometry sets, £6 Asda trainers and illustrated bibles.

Sales manager Tom Logan said: “The thought of my six-year-old son going on the internet and stumbling across the new £79.99 Tracy Island playset chills me to the bone.

“Children just don’t have the emotional maturity to understand that things they see on the internet are a big chunk out of mummy and daddy’s fun money.

“But now I can block distressing pictures of Teksta robot dinosaurs, Frozen merchandise and family holidays at Disneyland, leaving my children safe to surf the web for pictures of dead bodies.”

Teacher Donna Sheridan said: “Finding your 13-year-old daughter looking at £150 trainers on the Urban Outfitters website is the moment every parent dreads.

“But thanks to the filter she and her friends are unaware that teenage fashions exist. She even thinks she looks quite trendy in the flared cords, zip-up cardigan and Jesus sandals I got her from Sue Ryder.”

Broadband providers will soon be offering a similar service to prevent dads being exposed to power tools that look like space weapons.

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Minimalist cigarette packets make smoking cool again

THE government’s contemporary plain packaging for cigarettes has made them desirable once again.

Fashion experts have praised the compulsory new logo-free cigarette boxes for their smooth elegant lines and lack of dated shiny bits.

Stylist Emma Bradford said: “I was actually off the fags but these packets are so hot I’ve decided to start again.

“The old fag logos made you think of snooker tournaments and coach drivers. Now my cigarette box has the clean, unfussy lines of an Apple product, with a hint of Japanese minimalism.

“Best of all I can buy cheapo cigs like Lamberts and nobody will know.”