Internet trolls forced to troll in real life

A CLAMPDOWN on internet trolls is forcing them to do their trolling in the real world, they have revealed.

With trolling more likely to be prosecuted under new rules, trolls are having to go through the laborious process of delivering weird, gibbering threats to victims in person.

Teenager Wayne Hayes said: “I’d been planning to troll the unpopular kid at school on Facebook with something hilarious like, ‘Everyone hatez U kill yourself shithead DIE!!!’

“I didn’t want to be prosecuted so I went round to his house and said it to his face. This proved less fun than online trolling because he flipped out and punched me in the testicles repeatedly.

“I’ve no idea how I’m going to meet anonymous YouTube users to tell them I’ve had sex with their mums because we have differing opinions on video games.”

Retired accountant Roy Hobbs said: “Printing out bizarre threats and posting them to every high-profile person I disagree with is costing me a fortune in stamps and ink cartridges.

“I tried going to the Houses of Parliament to make sexist comments to feminist MPs, but the only one I saw was Harriet Harman and she’s fucking terrifying in real life.”

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Teenagers being taught vital life lessons by Glastonbury ticket website

THE misery and frustration of missing out on Glastonbury tickets is good training for life, delighted parents have confirmed.

Mary Fisher, mother of 17-year-old Helen, encouraged her daughter to try and buy tickets to the festival, knowing full well that the experience would ultimately be disappointing.

Fisher said: “You start out full of hope and optimism, then begin to suspect that it might not turn out to be everything it promised.

“This is followed by a long period of intense frustration, culminating in that feeling of pure, murderous rage when you realise your closely nurtured dreams have been smashed.

“Then you end up buying tickets for V Festival and pretending it will be just as good, whilst all the time crying on the inside.”

Helen said: “This was nothing compared to what I learnt whilst trying to explain to mum how to place her Ocado order online. Namely that your parents get progressively more irritating and demented until you eventually end up doing everything for them.

“This is why I want to get off my head at festivals whilst I’ve still got the chance.”