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'It's like a real-life eBay,' says teenager visiting first car boot sale

AN astonished 15-year-old is amazed to learn that car boot sales are just like popular e-commerce site eBay but in the real world.

Having been dragged to his first car boot sale by his parents, Jack Browne was thrilled to find himself in a magical wonderland where people were flogging their secondhand tat over trestle tables instead of the internet.

He said: “It’s so wholesome to think that all these people were clearly so inspired by eBay that they wanted to recreate it offline on a school playing field.

“If anything this place is better. You can see exactly what you’re buying and you don’t get stung by postage fees. The sellers are even open to haggling if you’re brave enough. They’ve thought of everything.

“The only things missing are the product reviews. I’ve had to go in blind and hope this album by Worms Armageddon is any good. If it isn’t I’m sure I’ll be able to get a refund on the 25p I paid for it no problem.

“I still don’t get what all the cars are about though. Couldn’t they sell everything in some sort of street market? Just a thought.”

Dad Colin said: “Jack wasn’t this impressed when we took him to Disneyland for his tenth birthday. The ungrateful little prick.”

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Five things I don't like about one bloke which I'll make into a wider men's issue, by a Guardian columnist

DO most men sit with their legs spread apart and speak with a booming, arrogant voice? For the purposes of this article I have to churn out, let’s say yes.

Mansplaining

When I asked my boyfriend to explain the plot of the film I was half-watching while looking at pictures of Caitlin Moran on my phone, he couldn’t help but tell it to me like I’m an ignorant girl. This is clearly symptomatic of a societal problem with men and is completely unrelated to my own short attention span. I was about to lecture him on this before getting distracted by a sale on Emma Bridgewater mugs.

They never look where they’re walking

I once got bumped into by a man who wasn’t looking where he was going, which means the patriarchy has obviously brainwashed them into thinking that they own the pavement. Why didn’t he step into the road and walk around me and my girlfriends as we blithely ambled along and took up all the space? Answer: he’s a sexist pig, just like all men.

Manspreading

As I rode the tube to my overpaid media job, I was disgusted to see a man sitting with his legs wider apart than I personally find reasonable. Rather than politely asking him to make a bit of room, I did the much more mature thing: covertly papped him then put him on blast on social media. It’s exactly this sort of struggle the Suffragettes died for.

They don’t talk about their feelings

My father is a stoic rock who never expresses himself. It’s been that way ever since he once revealed how he felt and I shut him down by saying that women have everything a billion zillion times worse. Since then he just gazes off into space with a vacant expression, as if working through his emotions internally is preferable to being shouted at for having a human experience.

Snoring

Women don’t snore, that’s a scientific fact. Instead we happily hum away in our sleep like a contented little air humidifier. My partner on the other hand makes deafening grunts all night long, which is probably related to the gender wage gap in ways I am yet to concoct. He says it’s due to his sleep apnea but I know it’s actually a sexist conspiracy. Him and his mates probably have a big laugh about it while they misunderstand the Barbie movie.

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