Jargon makes you sound clever, say idiots

BRITAIN’S idiots have defended their right to use jargon instead of intelligence.

Stupid people across the country have insisted that unless they use contrived, bullshit expressions they risk losing the respect of friends and co-workers.

Office manager Roy Hobbs said: “I’ve only got a handful of GCSEs and I watch E4, so I use words like ‘strategicalization’.

“I use the classic jargon too, like ‘helicopter vision’ and all the variants that link boxes and thinking. I sound amazing.”

He added: “It’s vital that I continue to use jargon or my co-workers might accuse me of being an irony-free middle-management nobody.”

Job Centre manager Donna Sheridan said: “I use phrases like ‘going forward’, ‘low-hanging fruit’ and ‘identifying synergies’ to boost my self-esteem because my job consists mainly of ordering massive tins of Nescafe for the staff kitchen.

“I’ve even started inventing my own jargon. Today I unilaterally re-energised our organic resources, by which I mean I watered the plants.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Songs of Praise ‘can only be filmed in Surrey’

SONGS of Praise must always be broadcast from lovely parish churches in rural Surrey, it has been claimed.

Campaigners insisted that if the BBC films its flagship religious programme at a migrant camp in Calais then Britain is basically finished.

Julian Cook, chairman of the Songs of Praise Official Fan Club, said: “Occasionally they have filmed it at an inner city church. It was ghastly.

“There was clapping and whooping and a general air of happiness. The whole thing was deeply un-Christian.”

He added: “I’m absolutely  sure that Jesus would not want the BBC to us British money to draw attention to some people living in squalor.

“Or perhaps the BBC thinks that Jesus hates Britain as much as they do.”