Joking that neighbour can clean your car next to incur three-point penalty

ASKING someone washing their car to ‘do yours next’ is now illegal.

Cliched neighbour car-washing banter along the lines of “You can do mine next if you like mate” will incur a three-point penalty and a fine of up to £800.

A government spokesman said: “People want to feel safe on the road, and also in their driveways.

“Unfunny car-based neighbour chit-chat can leave drivers in a foul mood that could lead to more aggressive driving and perhaps even death.

“For too long chirpy suburban twats have relied on the fact that you can’t just tell them to get fucked because you will have to see them again tomorrow.”

Driver Wayne Hayes said: “If I can’t say ‘When’s your test?’ when him next door nudges the bins while reversing, then what’s the point of even having a car?”

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Greasy spoon unsure whether it is ironic

A CAFE that serves cheap food to hungover hipsters can’t figure out if it is incredibly cool or just convenient.

Betty’s Cafe, in Leytonstone, has seen an influx of young people every weekend, leaving regulars and staff confused as to whether it is being enjoyed ironically or is simply an easy method of ingesting carbohydrates and grease.

Waitress Nikki Hollis said: “We know they consider themselves fashionable because they’re dressed like down-at-heel Amish people, but we don’t know why they’re here.

“Are they having an immersive experience of working class heritage, or is Zone 4 the only place their parents can afford to buy them a house?

“Are they ordering plates of chips, bacon and beans so they can take photos and add vintage filters, or are they too lazy to make their own breakfast?

“Do they think the rubbery eggs cooked in an oddly perfect circle are delicious or are they inspiration for a logo for a website about keeping hens in your urban allotment? Who knows?”

82-year old cook Betty said: “Sometimes when I’m making a bacon sandwich I ask myself if it’s the pinnacle of postmodern retro-ironic cuisine.

“Then I remember I can’t afford to retire in the place I grew up and have a little cry.”