Kensington Council holds emergency wine and cheese reception

KENSINGTON and Chelsea council has called an urgent top-level meeting involving some chilled Chardonnay.

Council leader Nicholas Paget-Brown has put the aftermath of the Grenfell Tower disaster at the top of the agenda just as soon as everyone has had a taste of some delightful goat’s cheese from the Dordogne.

Paget-Brown, who has personally donated a fondue fountain to the relief efforts, admitted that co-ordinating the event at short notice had been ‘challenging’.

He said: “Pairing Chardonnay with cheese is incredibly difficult and can often lead to fundamental errors.

“Imagine serving up a Chablis or Montrachet with Roquefort. Now that is a crime.”

Meanwhile, Paget-Brown also suggested that survivors could be fitted out with cladding to make them less unsightly to their neighbours.

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Arsehole neighbours having lovely time in garden

THE arseholes next door have been having an absolute bloody riot in their garden again, it has been confirmed.

As the UK’s heatwave continues, twat neighbours across the country have been making the most of the sunshine while screeching and cackling like the intolerable sh*ts they obviously are.

Nikki Hollis, from Peterborough, said: “They got the f**king paddling pool out and even discussed setting up the badminton net, presumably because the paddling pool does not generate enough shouting.

“I overheard them while I was shutting the windows and closing the curtains so I could watch TV without imposing my behaviour on other people like a massively selfish bast*rd.”

Meanwhile, sources suggest the noisy, happy arseholes are planning a barbecue for dinner again, despite the fact that it is a weeknight and the absolute f**kers had one yesterday.