Kid born in 2003 driving a f**king car

A BABY born well after the turn of the millennium is old enough to drive a fucking car, it has emerged. 

The child, a cousin’s son who can in no way be that age, maintains he is not only old enough to have had lessons but to have passed them and then bought his own vehicle.

Nathan Muir said: “He can’t be. Maybe a motorbike, or a three-wheeler. Not a car.

“What’s it going to say on his driving licence, double-O? Like James fucking Bond?

“These 90s kids are bad enough, but Britpop to him is, I dunno, like Noggin the Nog was to me. People say it happened but you don’t necessarily believe them and you’re certainly not interested.

“Does it mean you’re ancient, then, if you’ve got a 19 in front of your birthday? Are we like all those Victorian bastards who you wished would piss off after the wars?

“Shit car though. What? Four thousand quid for insurance? None of these numbers make sense.”


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I'm basically Adele now, says Corbyn

JEREMY Corbyn has told the Labour party conference he is such a mainstream, safe choice that he is basically Adele. 

The Labour leader admitted that while he spent years being cool and edgy, he has now sold out to reach a mass audience and has been well rewarded for it.

He continued: “I’m on Radio 1 for the young people. I’m on Radio 2 for the old people. Even your granny likes me.

“I do Glastonbury, I do stadium gigs, I’ve blanded down my style until it’s so inoffensive it’s acceptable everywhere, and the next album cycle is going to be absolutely massive.

“If Theresa May wants to be Radiohead, trying to drag everyone along with her new direction even though they wish she’d just play the old stuff, that’s up to her.

“But I am Adele now, I am the nation’s favourite, and I am doing nothing but churning out the same middle-of-the-road crap for the next five years, and you’ll love me for it.”

The speech received a rapturous reception from Labour delegates, who chanted ‘Oh Jer-emy Cor-byn,’ for minutes until he returned to the stage and did a ballad.