Kids allowed on term time holidays if they bring back cheap fags and some Grappa

CHILDREN will be allowed to travel abroad during term time as long as they bring back booze and fags for teachers.

Senior teachers insisted the boost in morale from 200 cheap Rothmans and a bottle of gin would help to retain staff without having to pay them more money.

Julian Cook, a deputy headmaster from Peterborough, said: “A short break to Disneyland Paris should cost a carton of Superkings, but for a ‘cultural tour’ of Italy, we’d be looking at some decent wine or, better still, half a dozen bottles of Grappa. That stuff gets the fucking job done.”

The holidays will be negotiated in advance, with families being encouraged to visit destinations where you can also get a good deal on a fancy handbag.

Parent Nikki Hollis said: “I can buy enough Grappa to keep the whole school shitfaced for a month and it would still be half the price of going to Tuscany in August.

“Plus, my kid is an arse so his teachers deserve a bonus.”

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Scientists confirm we are all living in Ed Sheeran's dream

OUR reality is just a dream in the mind of sleeping Ed Sheeran, it has been confirmed.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found it was impossible Sheeran could be the world’s most famous male pop star unless he has direct control over our universe.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Ed Sheeran looks like he works part-time in an organic farm shop. There’s no way he’s a pop star. No way.

“The only explanation is the we live in a ‘Sheeran Universe’. The real Ed Sheeran, who works three days a week stacking crates of parsnips and plays Nick Drake covers in his local pub twice a month, is asleep and dreaming of pop stardom.

“In this dream he’s incredibly rich and gets to shag loads of models even though they are three feet taller than him. You and I are just supporting characters and if real Ed Sheeran ever wakes up we will cease to exist.”

He added: “Possibly real Ed Sheeran lives in the same universe where Adele works in an Asda warehouse putting cellophane on trays of fish.”

Teacher Mary Fisher said: “At first I was sceptical, but then I got on a bus that had a picture of Ed Sheeran on it, opened the Metro at an article about Ed Sheeran then stared out of the window at a billboard of Ed Sheeran’s massive face.”