Kids demanding Frozen toys told to let it go

CHILDREN demanding Frozen merchandise for Christmas have been referred to the lyrics of the song they never stop singing.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “My eldest desperately wants a Snow Glow Queen Elsa doll, but aside from being surprisingly expensive those fuckers are like hen’s teeth.

“I told her to turn her back and slam the door, let it go because she’s getting a bag of satsumas instead. She was visibly upset but I was like, don’t you ever pay attention to the moral message of Disney cartoons?”

Father Roy Hobbs said: “I hate Frozen with every fibre of my being, but not as much as I hate going to soulless out-of-town toy supermarkets that smell of plastic and saliva.

“My daughter wants an Anna doll but she can’t have one because the wind is howling like this swirling storm inside. Heaven knows I tried.”

Eight-year-old Mary Fisher said: “I think the song is about not letting your old desires hold you back. But that does not apply to shiny new dolls.

“Get me them, or it will affect my development so that I become weird and menacing.”

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UKIP to target marginal seats with no women

UKIP is to target seats where the electorate consists solely of men.

Announcing the move on his LBC radio phone-in, leader Nigel Farage said UKIP was challenging both major parties in all-male constituencies across the country.

He added: “We’ll leave Labour and the Tories to fight it out in the women-only seats. Meanwhile, I’m sure the Lib Dems are very strong in those constituencies where everyone is a homosexual.

“And of course the all-male constituencies have more votes in parliament than the all-female ones. So I don’t understand why all the parties aren’t doing this.

“But then again, I am very clever.”