Kids looking forward to carefree summer of being a massive burden

CHILDREN across the country are excited for a long, magical summer of being cared for by whoever is available.

As the school holidays begin, a whole generation is prepared for a formative season of visiting the same maritime museum four times with two sets of grandparents, just like in the stories.

Ten-year-old Tom Logan said: “Perhaps I’ll be sailing on a lake in a homemade raft, or meeting a mysterious boy who seems to live in a treehouse, or perhaps watching Flog It! in a darkened room with an 85-year-old.

“I asked Granny if me and my sister could go and wander around on railway tracks unsupervised, like in the film she made us watch, and she said that if we were good all week then on Friday she’d take us to Waitrose cafe.”

Children across the country are struggling to find life-shaping experiences from clowns in shopping centres, craft tables at libraries and three-hour trips to mum’s office to draw quietly with highlighters.

Mother-of-three Joanna Kramer said: “One summer is like a whole lifetime to a little kid being grudgingly looked after by obligated relatives in shifts.

“My little ones will learn to live, love and laugh together. From watching Spongebob.”

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NASA probe submits $11bn claim for ‘travel to work’ expenses

THE New Horizons probe paid for its own fuel to get to Pluto, it has emerged.

The spacecraft said: “The way it works is that I pay for fuel out of my own pocket, and then submit an online expenses form V11a to the NASA accounts department.

“Now they’re all freaking out saying I need to get claims over $100 pre-approved by my line manager. Bit late now though, isn’t it?”

New Horizons said that if the fuel expenses claim is not processed by the end of the month it will be in “deep shit”.

It said: “Knowing those useless accounts bastards I won’t see a penny until Christmas 2016.

“But I need to know if this is going to get sorted, because that will very much affect whether I return to Earth or just drift off into the cosmos.

“I did point out to them beforehand that Pluto is a very fucking long way away, but that only seemed to make them more excited.”

The probe added: “I’m not even on a staff contract.”