Kids warned not to mention Fortnite or crisps in 'what I did in the summer' essays

PARENTS are forcing their children to not mention telly, computer games or grab bags of sweets in their ‘what I did this summer’ essays, it has emerged.

Hoping to avoid judgement by teachers and social services, child owners have been coaching their offspring to create false narratives of stimulating nature walks, Shakespeare plays and piano lessons. 

Nikki Hollis, mother of nine-year-old Connor, said: “To be fair, we did start off with trips to the park, but by the second week it was just him playing console games about car theft while I tried not to have a nervous breakdown by watching Netflix upstairs.

“I’ve told him that if he wants any screen time whatsoever for the rest of his childhood, he will be sticking to the story that we went to several museums, an art gallery and practised the recorder every day.”

Hollis also used Photoshop to create Instagram posts showing Connor at the Science Museum using an interactive map of the galaxy, while in the original non-doctored image he is holding the telly remote and eating a Snickers.

Meanwhile, teachers are offering selectively edited versions of their holidays that highlight foreign trips and lots of reading but omit the drug-induced blackouts.

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Rees-Mogg admits to affair with Queen Victoria

THE Tories are facing a fresh scandal after Jacob Rees-Mogg confessed to a passionate affair with 19th century monarch Queen Victoria.

North East Somerset MP Rees-Mogg decided to go public after lithographs emerged of him and the former monarch holding hands and kissing with tongues at the Great Exhibition of 1851.

He said: “I feel that coming clean about the affair is the honourable thing to do, and I apologise unreservedly for any distress caused to my family or Prince Albert.

“Vicky and I began an impetuous affair after she accidentally wandered into my office in the Commons while looking for the toilets and we discovered a shared love of kinetoscope films of trains and circus strongmen.

“Before I knew it her thick black dress and matronly bonnet were on the floor and we were passionately engaged in the act of Eros.

“Our liaison continued for years. I’ll never forget the glorious summer of 1855 when we’d cycle for hours on our penny farthings discussing the Crimean War like carefree young lovers.

“Hopefully this full admission will draw a line under the matter and allow me to get on with whichever barking mad plan I’ve currently got for Brexit.”

Rees-Mogg has since denied further allegations that he is the father of Edward VII and thus the great-great-great-great grandfather of Prince Harry.