Middle-aged drinkers advised to have MDMA days

MIDDLE-AGED drinkers have been urged to have drink-free days where they just use MDMA or magic mushrooms. 

Doctors advised that abstaining from alcohol for a day has significant health benefits, and recommended a range of drugs that offer similar much-needed relief after a day with children. 

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Obviously we’re not suggesting that those aged between 40 and 55 remain sober. Given the shitness of their lives, that would be unrealistic. 

“All we’re saying is nominate a couple of days a week, perhaps Tuesdays and Thursdays, to put down the gin and pick up something less harmful, like acid or MDMA. 

“You’ll notice and appreciate the change as instead of slumping in front of the TV you dance wildly to the Holby City theme while necking water and telling your partner you love them. 

“Or why not try peyote after you’ve collected the kids from Cubs and put them to bed? The high might seem like it lasts hours, but you’ll be back down to earth by 11pm in time to deal with those last few work emails.”  

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Supermarkets stocking up on bizarre impulse buys for panicking, hungry freshers

SUPERMARKETS are stocking up on strange, exotic ingredients for first-year students who have never had to feed themselves before. 

Shops near universities are filling their shelves with chocolate-coated artichoke hearts, pre-sliced pawpaws and Adventure Time pasta shapes in preparation for an influx of starving, quirky 18-year-olds with loans in the bank.

Tesco manager Tom Logan said: “It’s impossible to accurately predict the mish-mash of nonsense items a student doing the big shop without their mum for the first time will buy.

“They stagger through the aisles, high on their newfound independence, dazedly throwing random stuff into their baskets in the hope a fellow fresher will find it hilarious. It’s so frustrating for us because this is the perfect time to rip them off.

“We’ve turned the seasonal aisle into a whole area where nothing goes with anything in an attempt to appeal to their fractured minds. Shallots next to sherbert, lamb shanks next to Nice ’N Spicy Nik Naks, and ostrich steak because why not.

“We’ve also replaced all our signs with Buzzfeed-style ‘what food are you?’ quizzes in the hope that will guide their choices. It looks insane. I hope they like it.”

18-year-old Emma Bradford said: “My parents aren’t here so I’m melting mozzarella on a birthday cake. And I bet it’ll be brilliant.”