Kind, concerned woman constantly telling friends they look hellish

A KIND, concerned woman spends most of her time telling her friends how tired and shit they look.

Karen Irving, 31, prides herself on taking on interest in the well-being of those around her, and is eager to point out potential issues such as grey hairs, dandruff and psoriasis.

Long-suffering friend Nikki Hollis: “She said this morning that she was jealous of the exciting social life I must have because I always look so hungover. I literally haven’t been out past 9pm in weeks.

“And the last time I saw her she said how great it is that I don’t worry about following fashion, and dress in a way that looks so ‘slouchy and comfortable’.

“I went straight out and blew two hundred quid in Zara after that lunch.”

Other recent interventions include Irving’s decision to inform a cousin that she was ‘brave’ for not getting braces on her crooked teeth, and pointing out a potentially cancerous mole on a workmate’s arm.

Meanwhile, Irving continues to congratulate herself as someone who would never judge others on their appearance, and regularly posts inspirational memes on Facebook about body positivity.

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Londoners reassured that air pollution is trendy

TOXIC air is trendy and soon everyone in the provinces will want it, Londoners have been reassured.

After it emerged that every area of London exceeds air pollution guidelines, residents were told that severely poison-laced atmosphere is cool and they won’t even get it in Manchester for two years.

A government spokesman said: “Think how the rest of the UK scoffed when London pioneered ‘bottomless brunch’ and high quality fried chicken. It’s exactly the same with the damaging air particle PM2.5.

“Never heard of it before? Exactly. Nor have your uncool relatives in Swindon.

“But when they start asking about your hacking cough, you’ll be able to tell them that’s what caused it and they’ll look at you enviously before scuttling off to google it on their off-brand smartphones.”

Londoner Wayne Hayes said: “London’s so full of surprises, you never know whether you’re going to get a great new pop-up with dolls hanging from the ceiling or a long-term respiratory condition.

“I’m going to get asthma next week. It’s a thing.”