Kittens reaching peak cuteness

KITTENS are at a point of maximum cuteness beyond which they will no longer be a mental balm, experts have warned.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Over the last century kittens have become increasingly fluffy and large-eyed.

“Also their playfulness has intensified, causing kittens to be photographed in extremely cute scenarios involving upturned hats and flower beds.

“However our projections show that kittens have hit a ‘cuteness wall’. If they get fluffier they will simply suffocate, and if their eyes become any larger they will fall out.”

Professor Brubaker warned that bored office workers would no longer be able to use online kitten pictures as a respite from existential angst: “Kitten imagery is like antibiotics, we’ve built up a tolerance through over-use.

“As cuteness stagnates we will grow frustrated with kittens and even start to see them as little bastards.”

38-year-old sales advisor Emma Bradford said: “I need to feel mawkish affection for juvenile creatures on a daily basis, otherwise I shall go insane.

“It’s true though, I’m over kittens and puppies don’t cut it any more either. In desperation I’ve even tried looking at YouTube clips of baby fish, but they’re just floating slabs of muscle with cold staring eyes.”

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Simpletons of Newark bereft

THE stupidest people in Newark were bereft today after being denied the chance to vote for Nigel Farage.

The town’s simpletons will still be able to vote for a UKIP candidate, just not the famous one off the television whose mouth is full of ‘sense’.

Bill McKay, the 17th stupidest person in Newark, said: “Nigel pint fag pub straight talking I really hate brown people and Spanish vegetables.

“I wanted to touch Nigel. Really, really touch him so that he would notice me and then we would become friends.”

He added: “I’m wearing an eyepatch because I had an accident involving a boiled egg.”

Jane Thompson, who leapfrogged McKay last week to become the town’s 16th stupidest person, said: “Obviously I’m sad, but I’m sure the UKIP candidate will be very nice and not racist in public.

“I do think it would be best for everyone if Lenny Henry went back to Swaziland.”

The by-election was caused by the resignation of Tory MP Patrick Mercer, who was so stupid he actually got caught-out by an undercover reporter offering cash for questions.