£50 notes no longer illegal tender

DRUG importers, kidnappers and public officials bribed with suitcases of cash have been warned to bank their £50 notes.

The notes featuring Sir John Houblon, the first British man to bring a boatload of opium up the Thames, are being taken out of circulation after years of illegal service.

A spokesman for the Royal Mint said: “Check old attaché cases, duffel bags and the emergency stash for when the shit goes down to make sure you don’t end up tens of thousands out of pocket.

“And don’t forget that wad of fifties you stuffed down your trousers when the Butterfield blag went south. We can wash Cokey Steve’s blood right off.”

The new £50, to be brought into circulation later this year, features the traditional Queen-in-a-ski mask design on one side and an engraved portrait of notorious British drugs trafficker Curtis Warren on the reverse.

Career criminal Joseph Turner said: “It’s the lads doing bird I feel sorry for. They’ve got their pension plans sitting in the boot of a Ford Sierra in a Bermondsey lock-up, and come midnight it’s gone like Cinderella’s coach.”

Inspector Helen Archer of the Metropolitan Police said: “£50 notes are the wages of sin.

“Any member of the public who comes into contact with one should turn themselves in for money laundering and expect a stiff sentence.

“Unless, of course, they work in the City.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week you learn that the actor Reg Varney had a more cultured, opera-loving brother called Don G Varney.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On Saturday you notice that Giggs has “4-4-2, 4-1-3-2” written on his notepad. They’re not possible formations, it’s his sister-in-law’s phone number.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
So it turns out your old schoolfriend Adam actually didn’t win the Mercury Music Prize in 1998. The lying little bastard.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Life is a cabaret, old chum. Expensive, disappointing and much better in the 1920s.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
After a horrible day at work, all you want is for him to gather you in his arms and tell you that everything’s going to be okay. But he’s all “Please buy something or get out of my off-license, sir.” The swine.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You love your cat, she’s just like a little human being that tortures small animals and likes the taste of their own arse.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’ve still got eggs left over from Easter, even if the omelettes you’re making from them smell a bit like trout.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Watching Adrian Chiles on the television this week, you’re faced with the awful mental image of what he must look like bending over to dry his feet after a shower.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you had starred in the film I Know What You Did Last Summer it would be about how much you sat in the park drinking Stella and pretending not to ogle groups of women.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Jupiter asked me to give you this dead arm. Come here, stop crying.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Time to shift that winter weight, as you’ve been calling the bloke you started dating on New Year’s Eve.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Trending: Your mum.