'Lad' all about beer, banter and secret love for male best friend

A 21-YEAR-OLD ‘lad’ is all about banter, booze and crying himself to sleep every night over his best friend Robert.

Third year student Stephen Malley is part of a group of self-styled lads who called themselves ‘The Alpha Dogs’.

He said: “We’re just a bunch of fun-loving nutters who love the fanny and the mad banter. There’s always crazy shit going down with birds and most nights I puke in my bed. YOLO!

“We all have nicknames like Chunky, Bozzer and Ding-Dong. Everyone calls me Mallet, and then there’s Robert aka Robbo.

“He’s such a nutter, last night he lobbed a full pint glass off a club balcony. He has really kind eyes though, not like our other mates who have small mean eyes.

“Once when everyone wanted to watch Hangover 2 I suggested a Woody Allen film instead and everyone said that was ‘gay’ but Robbo defended me.

“I’m not gay or anything but I do think about kissing him, in fact I think of him a lot at night and once I drew a picture of him using special art pencils, then tore it up.”

However Malley’s lad mate ‘Chunky’ said: “I think Steve fancies Robbo. Which makes me angry because I secretly adore Steve.

“I act like an arse towards women because I fear they will take Steve away from me.”

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Co-worker with cold strangely confident it is no longer contagious

A 29-YEAR-OLD woman with a severe cold has reassured colleagues that it is definitely not contagious.

Sales executive Nikki Hollis arrived at work coughing uncontrollably and with mucus streaming down her face, but immediately told everyone that she was over the ‘infectious stage’.

Her colleague Stephen Malley said: “I had no idea Nikki was some kind of microbiologist who can perfectly judge the gestation phases of the common cold virus.

“She looks pretty fucking contagious to me. Clearly she is secretly determined to pass it on, like some voodoo curse.

“I believe the most infectious stage of a cold is when some ill bastard tells you cannot catch it.”

Hollis said: “Why are you all being such a bunch of pussies? Everyone knows that by the time you start coughing the cold is no longer alive in your ‘body system’.

“That’s why I don’t bother covering my mouth or nose, because it would be pointless. If you’ve got a problem, open a window.

“Tonight I am going to the cinema via a busy train, basically just maintaining as much close human contact as possible. It helps with recovery, apparently.”