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'Ladies of the night', and five other sexual euphemisms sagely used by dads

MEN of a certain age are clued up on the latest developments in sex and use appropriate terminology without shame. Your dad’s employed each of these: 

‘Ladies of the night’

Having heard that saying ‘prostitute’ is offensive but not yet aware of ‘sex worker’, dads have rejected ‘courtesan’ and ‘harlot’ and, in a bid to touch base with new generations apparently okay with this stuff, have noted that the road down by the station attracts a lot of ‘ladies of the night’. Calling them this implies he is a ‘man of the world’.

‘The birds and the bees’

Ever since he sat you down at age nineteen and awkwardly handed you a condom, your father has made it clear that any further questions you might have about ‘the birds and the bees’, a phrase he’d like you to think he is using ironically, are ‘best tackled by your mother’.

‘Mucky magazines’

Unaware that you were aware internet porn existed, charmingly believing it was his secret, your dad was concerned about you keeping ‘dirty books’ under your bed and wisely warned you to tuck them away before your poor mum found them while cleaning and died of a breast-induced heart attack.

‘A blue movie’

After watching a terrible film, your sweet old pa notes that the acting was ‘worse than a blue movie’, then blushes furiously, because how on earth would he know? Certainly he never rented anything like that from the corner shop’s video section when rest of the family was holidaying in Tenby.

‘Marital aids’

Your father’s a modern man, and as he explained once after two beers, he had no qualms about turning to ‘marital aids’ when he and your mum’s sex life hit a rough patch. Specifically? An unbranded lubricant used in GP surgeries.

‘On the other bus’ 

It’s wonderful to find your father is so open-minded about sexuality when you bring home a gay friend for a family meal. Not a word of disapproval is voiced. However, following Dean’s departure, a dizzying number of phrases from ‘uphill gardener’ to ‘friend of Dorothy’ are employed, all vaguely sinister. You explain that ‘one of them’ is not okay any more.

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Six normal baby names where the parents completely f**ked up the spelling

EVEN when idiot parents deign to give their child an ordinary name they cannot get it right, for there is no spellcheck in the registry office. The bearers of these are marked for life: 

Aimee

A misspelling so commonplace it’s now deemed acceptable, this like everything unacceptable began in America. Presumably the parents knew the word ‘aim’ already from time in the armed forces and/or first-person shooters, and had never got far enough into the alphabet to be familiar with the letter ‘y’. So two Es it is.

Michalle

Lends a little continental sophistication, the parents comfort themselves after realising their error. Meanwhile the child spends her life on the phone to call centres saying ‘no, it’s actually C-H-A-L-L’ to her own humiliation. She won’t ever forgive her mum and dad for what they’ve done. Nobody ever could.

Steaven

Faced with two choices, Steven or Stephen, these parents chose a third way. A wrong way. A f**k up, or a purposeful decision? What was the goal? Uniqueness? Originality? Annoying his teachers so much they refuse to say his name, giving him a free ride on all manner of developmental issues? Sometime normal people can be as abhorrent as celebrities.

Leesa

You know instantly that these parents spell ‘lose’ with two Os. So daft or lazy they’ve gone with phonetic spelling, they’ve inadvertently come up with something almost acceptably middle-class. Coupled with a double-barrelled surname will mean this child almost certainly grows up to have a credit score she doesn’t deserve.

Stefany

These parents do know the letter Y, to their child’s detriment. They’ve f**ked her over twice with first an F and then a Y, creating a name that seems more like a newly-coined adjective meaning ‘a bit like Stefan’.

Micheal

There is a silver lining here in that if you’re hanging with the uneducated, they’ll swear this is the correct spelling. To the point of laughing at and/or fighting those who dare correct it. Stick to the lower of society’s strata, this name is saying, and never dare to dream. A message which will be heeded.

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