Lads and feminists work together on campus sexism


BOORISH lads and militant feminists have joined forces to make sexism at university a far bigger issue than it actually is.

The two-pronged strategy combines pathetic, juvenile sexism and redefining sexual harassment until it loses all meaning.

Geography student Tom Logan said: “I’ll be referring to women as ‘sluts’ or ‘bitches’, just like the people who punched me in the face at school four months ago.

“I don’t mind if women hate me. As long as they don’t realise I’m still a virgin.”

Student feminist Nikki Hollis said: “Sexual harassment has become an epidemic on UK campuses ever since I started reading the Guardian.

“But incredibly, despite all our awareness raising, people are still interacting without my express permission.”

Students of both sexes confirmed that Saturday’s Booty Slut All-Night Jagerbomb Party was just another shit indie disco.


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Charlie Bucket's grandpa charged with DLA fraud

CHARLIE Bucket’s Grandpa Joe has been charged with fraudulent benefit claims dating back more than two decades.

Following a DWP ‘Golden Ticket’ sting operation, the 96-year-old was filmed dancing, singing and showing no signs of the unspecified illness that had supposedly confined him to bed for 20 years.

Benefits investigator Roy Hobbs said: “The suspect, walking unaided, then accompanied his grandson to a nearby factory to collect further handouts of everlasting gobstoppers.

“Our officer, who was disguised as an eccentric recluse, arrested him on the spot. Charlie’s parents have been imprisoned for allowing their son to take unauthorised holidays during term time.

“Charlie has been taken into care and the factory, together with its indentured staff of illegal immigrants, has been handed over to rich children who can be trusted to run it responsibly.”