Lah-Di-Dah Public Schoolboys Not So Fancy All Of A Sudden

LAH-DI-DAH ponces who talk all proper are about to find out what life is like in the real world now their fancy school has shut down, it was claimed last night.

For fuck's sake don't wear the top hat

As recession-hit fee-paying schools across the country close their doors, thousands of intelligent, sensitive boarders are about to come face to face with large, pasty-faced boys with glottal stops and attention deficit disorder.

Thugs in England and Wales are now cracking their knuckles in anticipation as debate rages over whether to strip Little Lord Fauntleroy and his chums from the waist up or the waist down, and exactly which obscenities to scrawl on their foreheads with an indelible marker pen.

Wayne Hayes, a 15 year-old bastard from Peterborough, said: "I hear they all wear top hats and carry teapots. If nothing else it at least gives me a choice of which one to shit in."

Roy Hobbs, a 17 year-old borderline psychopath from Swindon, added: "I'm going to ask one of them if they know the Queen and if they say yes I'll say 'Queen this!' and punch them in the kidneys. It's part of my A-level project."

But Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: "The plight of fee-paying schools may provoke a degree of schadenfreude but let's not forget that it also means more children being educated by local authorities.

"While some may say this is a good thing, others – such as those with a decent education – may suggest that it's a complete and total fucking catastrophe."

He added: "In 30 years time we could be living in a society where nobody knows what schadenfreude means."