BRITAIN'S lapdancers are to wear William Hague masks in a bid to restrict their sexual potency.
Club owners, keen to prevent new regulations, believe the intoxicating effect of gyrating buttocks can be cancelled out by the bouncing face of the shadow foreign secretary.
They unveiled research by the Institute for Studies, which showed Mr Hague can reduce inadvertent touching and visible engorgement by up to 85%.
Peter Stringfellow, Britain's leading buttock-wrangler, told a committee of MPs: "How's about this? The girls do their thing, the blokes have all manner of whatnots thrust at them, but nowt will happen 'cause it's William Hague and his pudgy little chops."
MPs believe men only go to lapdancing clubs because they like it when naked women dance within six inches of their nose, meanwhile the government wants to impose a £30,000 licence on the clubs, mainly because it can.
In recent years hundreds of lapdancing clubs have been forced to set up in city centres in close proximity to pubs filled with drunk men with too much money.
Labour MPs say that unless strict new laws are introduced clubs could soon be opened in the middle of fields and on top of mountains, as well as school gymnasiums and the vestries of some of the Britain's finest cathedrals.
But Tory committee member Tom Logan backed the Stringfellow plan, adding: "This seems a sensible compromise and I say this as a man who not only enjoys lapdances but finds William Hague devastatingly attractive."
