Laptop user going to tough it out through cafe's busy period

A LAPTOP user in a cafe is determined to see off lunchtime customers who actually buy food.

Remote worker Wayne Hayes is going to ‘stick to his guns’ during the busy period at the small local business, keeping his stuff spread out across a four-seater table so that nobody asks to join him.

Hayes said: “I hate it when people come in and want to sit talking to other people, disturbing my silent, emotionless inner world.

“They look at me in an entitled way, as if they have some sort of right to seating because they have spent money on food during their pathetic ‘lunch break’ from their culturally redundant office jobs.

“But I was here first, and also I am the future.”

Hayes confirmed he is not going anywhere when the cafe reaches capacity, but nor is he going to buy any food although he might ask someone to keep an eye on his computer while he visits the toilet.

He added: “I’m doing important work here, although admittedly I am now taking a short break to look at pictures of attractive girls at Croatian rave festivals.”


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Woman chooses coffee over safeguarding future of The Guardian

A WOMAN offered the chance to support the Guardian for ‘less than the price of a weekly coffee’ has chosen the coffee.

Emma Bradford was browsing The Guardian website, as she does every morning, when she saw the appeal for contributions to offset the paper’s dwindling sales and advertising revenues.

She said: “Apparently I can help fund its incisive journalism for just a fiver per month, which apparently is less than my weekly coffee.

“However it’s not like I can just press a button on my computer and make coffee squirt out for free, while the Guardian costs me fuck all.

“Although I like Peter Bradshaw’s witty film reviews, they don’t give me the sweaty, jaw-clenching Starbucks-rush I need to stop myself collapsing with exhaustion.

“It seems the clear winner here is the caffeinated drink.”

However Bradford was later partially swayed by a picture of everyone in the Guardian newsroom looking clever in their spectacles.

She added: “I’m not giving them money for nothing but if they brought out a product I would buy it. Maybe a Guardian energy drink, or a Guardian eco-monster truck.”