LEFT-HANDED people have finally confessed that they do it deliberately for attention.
Everyone claiming to be left-handed has admitted that while they pretended it was natural, they could not help it and it was discriminatory to say they could use their right hands, in fact the whole thing was faked for a laugh.
Fraudulent leftie Susan Traherne said: “It began at primary school, when I had shit handwriting and the teacher was going to tell me off. I blurted out ‘I’m left-handed!’ It snowballed from there.
“I was average height, brunette, not particularly clever or funny. How else was I meant to stand out in year two? I just wanted to be special.
“Overnight I was a key stage one sensation with my yellow-and-green scissors, my special guitar in music lessons, my licence to elbow any kid to my left as much as I liked. It was brilliant.
“But, 30 years on, I’m ready to come clean. Because now I’ve realised there are much easier things to bullshit about for attention, and I’m sick of having to switch hands whenever someone walks in.”
Retired joiner Roy Hobbs said: “I bloody knew it. And I tell you who else is making it up. People who wear glasses.”