Legal system to be replaced by what everyone on Twitter reckons

ALL trials are to take place on place on Twitter in order to save money.

After plans were unveiled for courts to use Skype, the next logical step was for all crimes to be tried on social media using statements of 140 characters or less.

Judge Denys Finch Hatton said: “First the prosecution sets out the case in Twitter-friendly terms, for example, ‘John Smith robbed Swindon HSBC with sawn-off shotgun #guilty’.

“Then the defendant responds, for example. ‘WTF??? Not guilty. Woz @ home watching Bargain Hunt. Girlf can prove it #fitup’.

“Anyone with a Twitter account can then give evidence. It could be a police officer dealing with the case, an eyewitness or a random person with nothing better to do.

“Finally everyone tweets ‘guilty’ or ‘not guilty’. The results are totted up automatically and if most people vote ‘guilty’ I ask the Twittersphere what the sentence should be, which is usually castration.”

Criminal Roy Hobbs said: “I particularly like the way I can plead not guilty while I’m out committing other crimes.”

However, lawyers said it was wrong to reduce complex cases to a brief Twitter exchange when they could be charging at least a grand a day to get the same outcome.

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Veteran of Warhammer 40,000 conflict struggling to come to terms with it

34-YEAR-OLD Norman Steele has been left traumatised after his army of space marines was wiped out during a tabletop wargame.

Unemployed Steele could only look on in horror as his miniature battalion of spacesuit-clad Imperium troops was pinned against a fortress wall by six-limbed aliens.

He said: “They were using venom cannons and spore mine launchers. Not real weapons obviously, but scale models vividly painted to look very realistic.

“Anyway we were hugely outnumbered and there was nothing I could do. Everywhere you looked space marines were getting wiped out.

“Since the battle I’ve been unable to look at a picture of any futuristic alien or monster without experiencing flashbacks.

“Worse still I cannot go near a table of any kind without hearing the ominous clatter of dice and the gloating voice of a middle-aged man in a Sepultura t-shirt.

“I just want some professional help to get back to being the quiet, shy man who I used to be.”