‘Liberal elite’ is anyone who has voluntarily read a book

THE ‘liberal elite’ consists of anyone who has read a book out of choice, it has been confirmed.

High-minded metropolitan snobs have been condemned for their attitude towards patriotic Brexiters and their annoying refusal to just watch television.

Tory backbench MP Norman Steele said: “This sneering elite already has telly, which we all love with its programmes about cakes, beaches and disfiguring skin conditions.

“But that isn’t good enough for them. They want to read books, so that they can learn long words and then use them to make you feel stupid.”

Nikki Hollis from Swindon said: “I read books but mainly thrillers about people getting kidnapped and held captive in basements. They’re stupid, not intelligent at all.

“Please don’t tell anyone.”


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Man loves banging on about how f**ked things are

A MAN gets a weird self-righteous buzz from talking about how screwed everything is.

29-year-old Tom Logan gets a kick out of describing the ‘dark times’ we live in because of all the horrible things including Brexit, the rise of fascism across Europe and a massive Tory majority.

Logan said: “It’s really, really, really bad. Everywhere I go people are just crying in the streets because of how bad things are.

“I bought a ginger cake the other day and it was out of date, because corporations have taken over and they don’t care about people having stale cakes.

“Probably we’ll all just die soon.”

Logan’s housemate Nikki Hollis said: “I tried telling him about how in Britain we used to have little kids working down mines and put people in prison for being gay, so maybe it’s not all a downward spiral because that wasn’t even very long ago.

“He just looks at me like I’m the stupidest idiot on earth and returns to reading a book by some Russian philosopher called Everything’s Fucked.”

Logan said: “Maybe a leader will rise from the ashes, a truly good person.

“I’m not saying it’ll be me but it’ll definitely be me.”