Life not worth looking up from your phone for

THE people, places, objects and locations that make up the physical world are not as good as smartphones, it has emerged.

Scientists studying the brain’s pleasure centres have concluded that true happiness can only be found when shutting out everything around you and focusing on your phone instead.

Dr Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “We wanted to prove that everyone should put their phones down and engage with the world more deeply, but discovered the exact opposite is true.

“That vague feeling of irritation when someone’s talking to you isn’t gadget addiction, it’s because what they’re saying just isn’t as interesting as a notification that somebody you’ve never met has retweeted your retweet.

“Life is nothing more than an overly complex support system for the real deal which is happening right there in your hand.”

Carolyn Ryan of Hebden Bridge said: “We obviously need life to provide content for our phones, but other than that it’s not really important.

“Sunsets, friends and the joyful smile of a small child are alright, I suppose, but they’re much better once they’ve been Instagrammed.”

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Picky bastards making vague claims to have OCD

FUSSY, demanding people are hinting that they have mild OCD as a means of justifying their behaviour.

Researchers found that 81 per cent of difficult people used vague claims of obsessive compulsive disorder to make themselves seem more likeable.

31-year-old Nikki Hollis said: “After screaming at guests to take off their shoes I get embarrassed and wheel out the old ‘sorry, I’m a bit OCD’.

“I don’t even know what obsessive compulsive disorder is. Also I’m not sure if you can have it mildly but the word ‘obsessive’ would suggest not.

“Truthfully I am just a slightly controlling person who is way too into her new carpet.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “OCD is a serious psychological condition that can dominate a person’s life.

“Just being an arse because somebody used your favourite towel is a totally different thing.”