Listening to loud music on train not an act of rebellion

PLAYING loud music on public transport is not a legitimate way of fighting the system, it has emerged.

Researchers found that 74 per cent of people listening to tinny-sounding dance music without headphones believe themselves to be standing up for personal freedom or some bullshit.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “If you play house music ‘bangers’ from your phone in a train carriage you are not a rebel, maverick or a counter-cultural hero – you are a cock.

“A massive, selfish cock. Everyone wants to punch you.”

He added: “Some of these vain, self-centred individuals really think they’re sticking two fingers up to ‘the man’.

“But ‘the man’ sold them the phone and the music and he fully approves ‘The man’ never has to go on the tube anyway because he’s loaded.”

He added: “If you want to stand up to authority, try riding a cow through Tesco instead. That takes some balls.”

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Everyone at Heathrow testing positive for Ebola

NOBODY at Heathrow looks fit and well, according to doctors screening for Ebola.

Virologist Mary Fisher said: “Lingering in an international hub of misery causes sweatiness, paranoia and the irrational compulsion to buy a massive Toblerone. So far everyone looks contagious.”

Quarantined Wayne Hayes said: “I felt fine at first, then corralling my screaming kids as my flight departure time receded further into the future kicked off a migraine and body aches.

“I tried to alleviate the boredom by having an all-day mixed grill, which made my stomach malfunction.

“Now they’re not letting me back into the main terminal to buy a Telegraph –  just, I must stress, to get the free bottle of water.”

Security chief Nikki Hollis said: “Give it a fortnight for the media to stop caring about this and we’ll be back to treating everyone like drug mules.”