Midwife strike highly inconvenient, say unborn babies

THOUSANDS of ambitious foetuses have been forced to remain in the womb by the midwives’ strike.

Foetus Tom Logan said: “After nine months you get pretty tired of amniotic fluid and start to really hanker after some breast milk.

“Also I’ve been planning this series of novels about a detective who is a hard-drinking foetus, I had planned to write one immediately after being born yesterday and be taking meetings with agents by the end of the week.

“Now it turns out I’ve got to hang around here in the dark. It’s just as well I’m not sharing the womb with an evil twin like some people have to.

“Eighteen years from now I will definitely be voting for any party that promises to curb the power of the unions.”

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Drinking outside back to the year-rounders

CASUAL outdoor drinkers have gone inside and left the hardcore to continue through the winter months.

Vagrants, teenagers and smokers are glad to see the back of fair-weather drinkers who treat al fresco boozing like a game.

Bill McKay of Brighton said: “Drinking outside isn’t some light, frothy summertime jape.

“I don’t spend all day on a park bench to look at the fucking ducks. I do it because I’m barred from every pub within five miles and the hostel’s kicked me out.

“This is my office, this is my working day, and they come here with their prosecco and their vest tops and their bulgur wheat salad as if it’s all such a laugh.

“Meanwhile I’ve got six litres of Frosty Jack to finish to a 5pm deadline.”

Street drinker Wayne Hayes agreed: “They sit outside these cafes like they own the pavement all summer, but a tiny 15-degree drop in temperature and they vanish.

“Piss off inside the lot of you. But leave what’s left of your drinks, I’ll deal with them.”