Littlejohn engorged by your hate

DAILY Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn was in the throes of a powerful erection today as millions of people subjected him to a fresh batch of hate.

Littlejohn confirmed that the blood began pumping to his short, lumpy penis moments after he completed his latest article.

He added: “Just the thought of how appalled people were going to be made me so hard.

“But now all the complaints are coming in and I just keep getting harder and harder. It’s actually quite sore and hot now. But in a good way.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, explained: “The Mail’s business plan is based on annoying you. They pay this man £1m a year to do nothing but get on your tits.”

He added: “They know that if you are annoyed by it then lots of other people – small businessmen, golfers, your parents – are fucking loving it.

“And they only love it because they know it annoys you. If you stop being annoyed by it, they will stop loving it and then Littlejohn will have to go and do this shit in the Daily Express.

“And then it won’t matter.”



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Power-thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Finding your soulmate

Your current reality or your current life is as you created it. If you haven’t found your soulmate, or you wish you had a better one, you’re the one to blame. Like me, you can have the finest and most elegant soulmate this planet has to offer.

One day I went to the home of a very famous film director. He had been blessed with money, a beautiful home, rock hard abs and sturdy, powerful legs. As we looked through the tapes of all the women he had slept with and secretly filmed I said to him, “These tapes are smoking hot, I am as hard as a blacksmiths hammer right now and yet you are having trouble in your romantic life.”

He replied: “It’s true, I love having risky sex, but often I’m distracted because I know my personal administration is in a mess. I want to meet my soulmate – the one who’ll satisfy me and sort out my bills and stuff.”

I then challenged him to take it to the next level: “Why don’t you film that too? Make your goal secretly capturing on tape a woman that can satisfy your lust, sort out bills and maybe even replace that lost driving license.”

Six months later I saw him and asked about his love life. “Great!” he shouted, “I met this perfect 10 and got her on tape filing my tax return by hiding a camera in an executive teddy bear on my desk. She is now my soulmate.

“For years I’ve had hot distracted sex and now I have just hot sex because all my bills are on a neat direct debit system. She’s like a sexy PA that I don’t have to pay for.”

“Got her number?” I jested, as I’m probably happier than he is with my own soulmate, Pae Pwang, who looks breathtaking in a bikini and has the sophistication of a world class golfer.

The story of the unorganised, horny film director is the perfect example of how visualising your goal and then secretly taping it can create the desired result.

Dr Morris O’Connor is the author of Playing On Their Insecurities: Verbal Strategies For Snapping Up A Rich Man’s Daughter