London-bound man excited about spending £4 on a cup of tea

A MAN moving to London cannot wait to drop the best part of a fiver on a cup of tea.

Tom Booker, from Shrewsbury, told friends that while he was excited to take the next step in his accountancy career, he was even more excited about pursuing his passion of paying far too much money for basic conveniences.

Booker said: “Maybe I’ll get a cheese and pickle sandwich at the same time to round it up to a tenner.

“I’ve made a list of things to do in my first week, like pay £7 for a pint, £80 for a theatre ticket, and £30 for a 12-minute taxi ride. I wonder how much a haircut will cost? I’d better take a fifty with me just in case.

“But most of all I’m looking forward to posting endlessly on social media about how great this city is, just for the benefit of my friends back home.”

When told he would have to spend two thirds of his monthly salary to share a three-bedroom flat in Shepherds Bush, he said: “That is completely ridiculous. Fuck that, and fuck London.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Andrea Leadsom’s CV claims she already is prime minister

TORY leadership candidate Andrea Leadsom’s CV list her current position as ‘Prime Minister of the UK from 2010-ongoing’.

The MP for South Northamptonshire lists her notable achievements in office as turning the UK’s deficit into a surplus, saving the steel industry and leading the Brexit campaign.

A supporter said: “Andrea’s achievements since leaving her previous role as Big Boss of the City of London are very impressive.

“With her visionary programme of austerity she turned a recession into an economic boom which has easily outstripped China’s, reducing unemployment to its current level of five.

“That turned her 50-seat victory in the 2010 election into a Tory landslide in 2015 with a majority of 197, giving her the largest mandate any leader has ever enjoyed.

“I’m not sure why she’s running for prime minister when she’s already prime minister, but anyone asking suspicious questions is just one of those pessimists she’s promised to banish.”

Leadsom’s CV also listed her hobbies as reading, country walks and socialising with friends.