LONDON is now officially sponsored by its cocaine dealers.
The city of broken dreams has agreed a multi-billion deal with the providers of its favourite stimulant, who will maintain its crumbling infrastructure in exchange for police turning a blind eye.
Prominent drug dealer Wayne Hayes said: “Unlike most corporate sponsors, we expect nothing in return except the continued existence of a massive city full of exhausted people who need perking up.
“We toyed with the idea of painting Big Ben white but it seemed too crass.”
Marketing executive Emma Bradford said: “At first I thought this was a disgusting idea, then I realise I was only in a bad mood from doing too much gak at the weekend.
“I don’t mind my coke dealer because, unlike fizzy drink or burger companies, he does not pretend to be motivated by anything other that a voracious desire for profit regardless of the human cost. Also he doesn’t encourage me to share my coke with the world, which I am loathe to do.”