Londoners To Loathe Each Other In The Open Air

LONDONERS will spend today wishing death upon each other in a late summer festival of above-ground loathing.

As the hate-filled tunnels that take them to their worthless jobs are closed for the day, millions have vowed to make the most of their open air encounters with all the idiot bastards who would be wiped out by a cleansing virus if there was even an ounce of fairness and decency.

Tom Logan, Central line from Mile End to Lancaster Gate, said: “I hope it’s a nice day. There’s nothing better when the sun is out than despising every fucker in the world.

“There will be so many new faces for me to imagine pleading for mercy as I bear down on them with my dad’s old adjustable spanner.”

Experts have warned that the natural light and the extra inch of space may cause some Londoners to see each other as sentient creatures.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Do not allow the slight humanisation of your environment to trick you into thinking these people are anything other than diseased rats with iPhones.”

Meanwhile, in a bid to cope, groups of commuters who regularly take the same tube have linked up through Facebook and Twitter and arranged to cram onto a bus so they can spend their journey grimacing at a familiar face.

Julian Cook, Southfields to Cannon Street, said: “I cannot function unless I have stared at egg sandwich guy for a full minute while dreaming of inscribing the words ‘chew with your mouth closed’ across his chest using an electric carving knife.”

Helen Archer, Clapham North to Holborn via Bank, added: “There’s something very traditionally English about sitting on the Clapham Omnibus and wanting every single bastard to be eaten by a werewolf.”

But some insist it will be a day for taking on London at a less frenetic pace and seeing the city from a different perspective. Emma Bradford, Kensal Rise to Oxford Circus, said: “I’m going to find a nice bench in Hyde Park and spend my lunch hour firing a water pistol filled with stale urine at some random strangers.

“It’s just like being on holiday.”


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Women The New Black, Say Police

VULNERABLE women who can’t defend themselves are the new black, according to police violence pundits

Autumn collections at police stations across the country will see black men with BMWs ditched in favour of weak, confused women in their late fifties who look just as good being grabbed by the neck or curled up in a terrified ball.

Tom Logan, editor of Harper’s and Truncheon, said: “Women are very in right now. They’re light, flexible and so easy to drag around the floor.

“You can also accessorize by striking them in the face with their own handbags.”

He added: “There are so many wonderful styles. In spring you could have something small and elegant that has made an illegal left turn, while in summer you could go for something in beige linen that has been arguing over change at a supermarket till.

“And in winter, why not brutally assault something heavy and Scottish that has accidentally put its recycling out on the wrong day?”

Logan said police violence fashions were more vibrant and varied than ever.

“Some of the lighter shades of brown are quite interesting while an innocent Brazilian can be spectacular.

“Middle-aged newspaper sellers were a bit of a fad last year, while applying your night stick to some scruffy pacifist can help you achieve that retro, 70s look.

“And of course black will always be useful if you need something to knock the shit out of at the last minute.”