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Avocados, takeaway lattes and other things young people must buy to save the economy

BRITAIN is in a recession, so it’s up to young people who frittered their money like idiots a couple of years ago to kickstart the economy by purchasing these vital items.


Lazy millennials foolishly stopped buying avocados after being widely ridiculed for it, and now look at the state the country is in. Instead of trying to scrape together a house deposit they will never be able to afford, they should put their money back into the economy by investing in fast-expiring stone fruits. Britain will be back to the boom time of mid-noughties austerity before we know it.


Kirstie Allsopp may have been completely right that cancelling Netflix will allow young people to get on the property ladder in no time, but she failed to factor in how valuable the arts are to the UK economy. Regardless of whether they own a bedsit or sleep under a bridge, the yoof must be made to spunk £7.99 a month on a site you’ll be genuinely amazed has so little you want to watch.

Takeaway lattes

High street coffee shops are the lifeblood of the UK economy, not that young people seem to know this. Having abstained from the temptations of Costa and Starbucks in favour of pointless food, shelter and treats like dental care, Britain’s youth need to be ordered to purchase a venti latte with a shot of vanilla to go. What else are they going to do with that £4.25?

Holidays abroad

It sounds counterproductive, but jetting off to Magaluf or Zante actually pumps much-needed money back into the nation’s dusty coffers. The scourge of being eco-aware and unable to afford a holiday has deterred young people from this national income stream for too long. From now on the government must fly everyone under 25 to a Mediterranean island and force them to catch chlamydia or we’re destined for a depression.

Fast fashion

Thriving economies are not built on clothes that are made to last. They rely on the constant consumption of thin T-shirts and poorly-stitched jeans pumped out by a Chinese sweatshop. If young people are not doing a weekly shop of Shein shit in Primark then they should consider themselves failures and traitors, and be executed as such.