Looters return stuff to Games Workshop

SCORES of disappointed rioters queued up this morning to return goods they had mistakenly looted from Games Workshop.

The crestfallen thieves had raided the store hoping for a PS3 or Nintendo bounty but arrived home to find they had stolen a box containing 300 unpainted Orcs and a board game called Beyond the Ultraforest of Kwang.

Martin Bishop, 19, said: “I am returning The Runering of Fangor.

“It includes two dice, each with about 40 sides and instructions on how to gain the trust of  a ‘cloud wizard’.

“And yet somehow I’m the fucking bad guy.”

He added: “Nevertheless I am now immune to Dwarven magic, so it hasn’t been a complete waste of time.”

Meanwhile, historical kitsch outlet Past Times reported the return of a pair or resin bookends in the shape of the Egyptian cat-god Sekhmet and 254 teak statues of a fat, reclining Buddha.

And in Manchester, people who stole copies of Limitless starring Bradley Cooper have been setting fire to them and throwing them back through the window of HMV.

Roy Hobbs, manager of Games Workshop in Birmingham, said: “Welcome home my children. Let me bathe you in the healing milk of Fagnarbarak.

“I knew we would meet again.”


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News International to fund extra police officers

NEWS International’s desire to give money to policemen could offset the effect of government cuts, it has emerged.

Ministers are talking to the media giant about formalising payments in a bid to close the funding gap and ensure Britain’s streets remain safe for shopping.

The move has received a cautious welcome from the Association of Chief Police Officers who stressed that any changes in the law should be retrospective and that payments could also take the form of spa visits and maybe a nice Audi.

In exchange for wiping out the police budget deficit, News International will receive up to three exclusives a day, though the tip-offs will have to go through official channels rather then being passed across the table in some grimy pub in Deptford.

But critics have warned that formalising the nature of police payments will inevitably lead to more paperwork and prevent frontline officers from guarding tracksuits or stitching up some nonce.

Social policy expert, Julian Cook, said: “Policemen will end up spending hours filling out their News International tip-off forms and eventually News International is going to start exerting top-down management pressure on the policemen to come up with better stories.

“In two to three years I suspect we will have policemen taking mobile phones from crime scenes and having them biked straight over to the Sun newsdesk.”

He added: “The system would work better if we left the relationship between News International and the police as it is – which would be very good for force morale – while training our senior officers to recognise a fucking riot when they see one.”