Lord Patten had all the jobs

HIGH unemployment figures have been blamed on Lord Patten, who has over 12,500 jobs.

As well as being Chairman of the BBC Trust, his roles include President of the Board of Trade, bus driver and stuntman.

Speaking as the Chancellor of Oxford University, Lord Patten said: This level of multi-tasking is perfectly normal.

However speaking the following day at McDonalds, he said: “Im not allowed to talk at work. Do you want fries with that?

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Single planet not ready for a long-term orbit

A ROGUE planet has told astronomers it wants to keep playing the galactic field.

Scientists were surprised by the orbitless planet’s free-wheeling attitude.

Labelled CFBDSIT2149, the rakish astral body said: “There’s a lot of stars out there, so why settle down with the first one I meet?

“Right now I just want to do some casual orbiting and not get into a serious gravitational situation.”