Loud people describe themselves as shy

BRASH, over-confident people almost always describe themselves as shy, it has emerged.

Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that 89 per cent of loud individuals claim to be ‘actually really shy’ or ‘quiet’.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Noisy people love to describe themselves as shy because it makes them seem as if they have some vulnerability and emotional depth.

“It’s bollocks though.”

Extrovert Nikki Hollis said: “Just because I shout ‘YO IT’S ME BITCHES’ whenever I enter a room and will sit on strangers’ laps when sober, people assume I’m really confident.

“But I’m actually quiet and shy. Almost timid.

“I read a book recently and I was quiet the whole time, like one of those nerd kids that I used to pick on at school.”

Overbearing internet entrepreneur Wayne Hayes said: “I sacked eight people yesterday in front of their colleagues, and called them ‘useless shitbags’ just to make an example.

“I’ve had a lack of confidence ever since my teenage years when I was a catalogue model and captain of all the sports teams. But I’m really good at concealing it, which I would perhaps feel was quite brilliant if I wasn’t such a modest little thing.”

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Facebook applies for housing benefit and tax credits

FACEBOOK’S small tax bill means it is eligible for a range of benefits for people on low incomes, it has emerged.

After paying just £4,327 in tax, suggesting an income of around £20,000, the company says it is struggling to make ends meet and has been forced to apply for housing benefit, winter heating allowance and a bus pass.

Founder Mark Zuckerberg said: “I should get £700 a year in working tax credits. That may not sound much, but it’s a lifesaver when you’re on a low income.

“It felt odd going to a food bank but I’m glad I did because there was probably 15 quid’s worth of food in the box, which is not to be sneezed at.”

Zuckerberg said Facebook had also received a hardship loan from the Job Centre, several thousand free eye tests for its employees and a reconditioned fridge from a local charity.

Facebook user Donna Sheridan said: “I’ve set up a Facebook page called ‘Give some money to Facebook’. It’s the least I can do after they let me put up all those pictures of cakes.”