Lovers attaching garage doors to bridges

COUPLES are pledging their devotion to each other by placing double up-and-over garage doors at romantic bridges.

The trend began last year when a single-skin white roller door with the words ‘Debs 4 Wills 4 Ever’ scratched onto it was left on the Pont des Arts in Paris.

Tom Logan, from Bromsgrove, and his fiancée Emma Bradford believe a garage door is a more robust way of proclaiming their commitment than a cheap padlock.

Logan added: “Our door is made of high quality thick-gauge galvanised steel which means it can withstand even the severest of knocks – just like our love.”

Newlyweds Stephen Malley and Nikki Hollis, from Durham, picked a steel-braced cedarwood door with Jacobean panelling to attach to the Ponte Fabricio in Rome, where they spent their honeymoon.

Hollis said: “The door has been dip immersed which gives it all-weather protection – much as Steve and I do for each other.”

Hardware supplier Roy Hobbs said: “There’s nothing that says ‘romance’ like a garage door with a high-quality cylinder lock and short-shaft zinc handle.

“Except of course a couple of lengths of freshly creosoted larch-lap fencing.”

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Cowell’s Ultimate DJ attracts ultimate bellends

THE world’s biggest bellends are flocking to audition for Simon Cowell’s DJ talent show.

Pop impresario Cowell has confirmed plans for a new primetime series Ultimate DJ, provoking frenzied interest among vain dimwits with drab, slightly aggressive personalities.

Undeniable bellend Tom Logan said: “My skills include pointing at the air during the bit in the music when the drums stop. I am a fucking genius, like Stephen Hawking but way better looking.”

Logan, whose DJ influences include Swedish House Mafia and “whichever ones are richest and nail the most birds” is among 2,500 very similar people already queueing outside Syco’s production office.

Scientist Mary Fisher said: “This show presents a major opportunity to study bellends in their natural environment. We could learn something about humanity that might save our species from destruction.”

Ultimate DJ hopeful Wayne Hayes said: “I’m into deep house and minimal, because that’s the more intelligent and sophisticated end of the dance spectrum. I’m also into fanny.

“My DJ tips are don’t be original, don’t follow your instincts and pack a spare tight black t-shirt in case you get dribble on the first one.”