Lucky bastard schoolkid has art, drama and then history today

A LUCKY bastard of a schoolkid has got art this morning, then drama and history after lunch.

12-year-old Wayne Hayes told his mate Nathan Muir about it on the bus today, within earshot of adults who hate their jobs.

Kitchen porter Tom Logan said: “He didn’t even sound particularly happy about it. I felt like telling him that the first part of my day was going to be cleaning out the grease tray at the bottom of the fryer, so if he wanted to swap I’d be more than happy to.

Though he did say he had science last so maybe he’s not that lucky after all.”

Fellow passenger, Donna Sheridan added: “Art, drama and history, eh? All I’ve got to look forward to this week is dress-down Friday.

And the fact that I’m a lap dancer means that’s not really a big deal for me.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Ask Holly: Love Actually represents everything wrong with popular culture

Dear Holly, 

I’m suffering from immense feelings of self-doubt and isolation: everyone is raving about the Love Actually reunion and yet the original film was utterly, utterly bland. It was nothing but a pile of corporate skid-marked pants. In fact, Love Actually represents everything that is wrong with popular culture. Why are we celebrating this bland, pedestrian garbage???

Ed Sheeran


Dear Ed,

My teacher, Edwina Pringle, probably has Love Actually in her top three films. Ms Pringle is really old – at least 32 – and she doesn’t have a husband for some reason so she’s into yoga in a big way. She’s also got a profile on, but so have all the other teachers, even the married ones. We tried to make Ms Pringle fall in love with the man who came to repair the Smart Board but he was a bit fat and you could see his hairy bum crack when he bent over.  The whole class sang It Must Be Love in our sweet young voices as their eyes met across the room and it was so poignant and magical but Ms Pringle must be really picky because she told us all to shut up and get on with our work.

Hope that helps,