Male mannequins to feature hand down front of trousers

MALE fashion mannequins are to be more realistic, including at least one hand rammed permanently down the front of their trousers.

As Debenhams introduced the first shop mannequin to be vaguely the same shape as a woman, experts said the male version would be ‘plump, slouched and at ease with its groin’.

Mannequin designer Charlie Reeves said: “”Men are more interested in fashion than ever. But they want to know what a pair of trousers will look like both with and without ‘hand’.

“Most high street retailers will also introduce sofa-based mannequins so male customers can stand back and see what they will look like 90 percent of the time in any given trouser.”

Tom Logan, from Peterborough, said: “”I’’ve had to take back several pairs of jeans because they just didn’t work with my fat little hands.

“”Just so’’s we’re clear, I’m not fondling myself. I just need to put one of both of my hands down there or I become very anxious.””

Martin Bishop, from Doncaster, added: “”I am fondling myself.””


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New dating app for people with massive holes in their earlobes

A NEW DATING app has launched to connect people who have massive, stupid holes in their ears.

Hangr has over 15,000 members, all of whom have completely ruined their ears in thanks to a short-lived fashion trend.

The 2008 style of putting things in your ears that make them look like calamari is estimated to have affected up to 0.5% of Britons. While those impacted are not obliged to disclose their status to potential partners, hiding the symptoms can make for an awkward conversation.

Wearing a beanie with ear flaps, user Stephen Malley said: “I’m always honest with people I meet. Some make their excuses and leave, but you can’t argue with closed-minded idiots.

“Hangr has meant that I can connect with girls who have made the same utterly myopic decision as me, and therefore ruled themselves out of most of the dating pool.”

Nikki Hollis said: “It’s been incredible to date people with whom you share such a grave error in life. It means that, for us, having ears that hang down like a pensioner’s tits isn’t a drawback – it’s a superpower.”